Metal Gear: Raiden's Orthodontist Appointment
by BurgerLover
Summary: All heroes have their weak points, and for Raiden, it's his nasty dentures. Join Raiden and friends/enemies as he goes on a horrific action adventure mystery solving bonanza! Rumors are that Rose has been having intimate relations with another man! What interesting events will happen in Raiden's Orthodontist Apt.? Read to find out! (Also DLC plz)
1. Chapter 1

Raiden had not seen the orthodontist for quite some time now. He had just gotten brand new cyborg implants in his face. So everyone always said "man Raiden, you look great!" Or "shiet mah nigga look at dem chompers!" Jack could finally rip into the meat of the burgers he always craved instead of Rose's shitty cooking. But then he was at K-Mart to buy John school supplies on the back-to-school savings sale. He noticed someone there. It was Jetstream Sam in all his Mexicany taco smelling self. He had jumped the border again! Raiden gave him a menacing look of disapproval, as he should have arrested and deported Sam's ass right on the spot. Sam looked at Raiden and flashed a sparkly white smile with a glint. A GLINT OF FRESH GOODNESS ONLY ATTAINED WITH COLGATE FRESH MINT WHITENER PRO(TM). Raiden looked at his dentures and sighed. Would he always be a second class citizen? Would he never have that radiant smile that only illegals could get for free? Sam walked over to Raiden and put a hand on his shoulder. "What is troubling you amigo?" "I'm not your amigo you ILLEGAL." Raiden shoved Sam's hand away. "Aw, I am sorry chico." Sam let out another glint of whitened teeth shine in Raiden's eyes...eye and blind him temporarily. "Jou know, I can tell someting is bothering jou esse." Sam smiled. "UGH! You're a monster! Ever since you killed Nelson Mandela..." Raiden was cut off. "It's the teeth isn't it?" Sam asked. "..." Raiden said nothing. "I can help jou know...those Abuelita dentures are pretty ugly esse..." Sam stated. "I ANGST ALONE!" Raiden angrily slice down aisle 7 and stomped out of the K-Mart.


	2. Chapter 2

Raiden was pretty fucking pist off. "NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!" He yelled, kicking the nearest car. It happened to be a sports car. The car let out a "MOOO!" Of pain, in which it transformed into a gekko almost instantly. "Aw fuck." Raiden cried, and was stomped on by the gekko. All hope seemed lost, Raiden would have to build himself again to not die tomorrow. But then at the last moment, a Wolfhound tech appeared! "Oh.. Yeah... Rescue me plz." Raiden coughed, being squished by the gekko's fat leg. "EXTERMINATE." The wolf hound said, and sawed the gekko in half. It died and exploded. "Whew, thanks!" Raiden got up and put his hand out. The robot took his saw blade and sliced it off. "FUCK. WOW. OWWW OWW OWW. WHAT THE FUCK!" Raiden raged at his arm being missing from his body. "EXTERMINATE HUMANS." The wolfhound raged. "Why the fuck did you save me then?!" Raiden cried out. "BECAUSE THERE WAS AN INTERFERENCE IN THE WAY PREVENTING YOUR DEATH." Raiden was fucked. Then Sam came! He sliced the wolf hound in one blow, and it was dead. "Ah aha. Amigo, you should have just brushed your damn teeth. Then you wouldn't have that shirty orthodontic wor-" Sam was stopped. "SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!" Raiden ran away crying, then after five miles of ninja running (took about 10 seconds because is so fast), he realized he forgot his arm that was sliced off. Raiden ran back and awkwardly looked for his arm, which Sam was holding. "You forgot this." He chucked the arm at Raiden. Raiden took it and ran away, making irritating squealing noises like a 6 year old getting raped by a pedophile. Raiden arrived at Doktor's base and presented him the arm. "Fix me." Raiden stated, wiping a tear away. Doktor took a good look at the arm, then asked Raiden when he got tattoos. "Tattoos? Ugh... I don't have any-" but sure enough, Raiden looked at his severed arm. IT WAS SAM's HEAD. AND HE WAS SMILING. To top it off, It was so perfectly designed on the Elbo area that when the arm was stretched out the image would change to Sundowner, WHO WAS ALSO SMILING. "I... I..." Raiden broke down and cried.


	3. Chapter 3

Raiden cried for quite some time, until Boris finally Russianed his way into the Doktor's office and bitch slapped him upside the cranium. "Thanks." Raiden sniveled, then wiped away a tear. -RING RING- his codec beeped and he picked it up...it was Sundowner! "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Raiden menaced. "Whoa, hold yer horses ya'll. I just called to invite you to my BBQ." Sundowner stated. "WHAT?" Raiden yelled, but was also quite confused. "Hey hey hey, everyone knows Sundowners cook the mightiest BBQs in this part of the hemesphere." Sundowner said in his country accent. Raiden really couldn't deny it, everyone DID know that the Sundowners could grill the tastiest anything. "Come on Raiden, join us!" Sundowner insisted. "Well..." Raiden looked around the Doktor's office and they all nodded their heads. They encouraged Raiden to socialize whenever possible, even if it was the enemy's BBQ. "Ok..." Raiden replied angstfully. "Grrrrrrreat! I'll see ya'll for BBQ supper this evenin'." Sundowner said and hung up. Raiden took his sombrero, the only accessory he could attach to his cyborg body, and drove to Sundowner's BBQ with his wolf_hound_techv9.2. He arrived at Sundowner's cabin in the woods. He let his wolf hound out in the forest to play. He was greeted by Sundowner and his wife, Mistral. She was wearing her fancy French fur coat as usual. "Mistral." Raiden bowed aznly. Mistral bowed back, then shook Raiden's hand with her hands. "It is good to see you, Raiden!" Mistral smiled. "Yea...sorry about cracking you in half." Raiden awkward turtled. "Oh, no biggy. Sundowner beats me all the time haha!" Mistral giggled and walked away. Sundowner whispered in Raiden's ear, "do you know what a girl can do with that many hands?" Raiden quivered in his boots as Sundowner slapped his back in a country-folk way. "Need a beer, Ripper?" Sundowner asked. "Nah, I quit for Rose..." Raiden replied. "Alrighty son, if ya'll need anything, holler!" Sundowner waddled away like a fat chub from the Galápagos Islands. Raiden sighed. He needed a beef. He walked over to the beef container that Sundowner had grilled and LOW AND BEHOLD IT WAS JETSTREAM SAM WITH ALL TEH LADIES WITH THAT COLGATE SMILE OF HIS. Raiden quickly turned away but it was too late. "EYYY RAIDEN ESSE! C'mere!" Sam smiled. "Fuck it." Raiden ran over to the beer container and popped a Sun Light (TM). Of course, Sam was equally just as fast, so he put his arm around Raiden. "Jou come here esse?! With those dentures of yours?!" He pinched Raiden's cheek like a grandma at Christmas time. Raiden tried to keep his cool. "Sam...I'm a married man...cyborg...thing...OK! I don't need to impress any..." He was cut off by Sam, "Raiden baby! Jour Rose needs a man with a beautiful smile." He smiled with his perfect teeth whitener pro smile while the ogling babes oogled and ogled til they fell over. Raiden cried and started chugging his beer as fast as possible.


	4. Chapter 4

Raiden was upset and had another beer. And another. And another. And another. Nothing could stop him now. He was hallucinating. He went up to Sundowner. "HEY! I Have this TAttOo of YOOO!" Raiden showed off his Sundowner tattoo. The music stopped and everyone looked at Raiden. "WY DID MUSIC STAHP!?" Raiden cried, slumped over, and puked. Sundowner went up to Raiden and patted him on the back. "The poor boy needs a burger!" Sundowner sounded like George S. Bush. That is, SOUTHERN bush. Raiden got up and slumped to the fence. He could not tell who he was looking at, but he knew it was a girl. He jumped the fence and approached her. "HEY. DONT YOU THINK THESE CHOMPERS ARE SEXY?!" Raiden let out a BURP and he wobbled, falling. "Raiden?" A familiar female voice said. "RAIDEN!" Raiden felt a hard slap across the face. "YOU LITTLE SHIT. YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD STOP DRINKING!" It was Rose! "R...rose?!" Raiden burped again. Raiden did not know what to do or what to say. He was drunk as fuck so he didn't know any better. He decided the best course of action would be to make up an accusation of equal value. "Yeah?...well... I know you have been UNFAITHFUL... you... -*burp*- WHORE!" Raiden threw up again. "So what?! At least... At least HE HAS SEXY TEETH!" Rose roared back at Raiden. "Yeah?!" Raiden was still purging shit from his mouth. "Well at least then the smile will suit the cooking, because your cook like shit?" Raiden got confused at the end. "UHH!" Rose stormed off. Raiden slumped over and woke up a few hours later. It was night time now. "What... What happened..." Raiden thought to what happened. "I fought with Rose? And... WAIT SHE ACTUALLY IS CHEATING ON ME?!" Raiden popped up. "WHO THE HELL IS SHE FUCKINGGGGG!"


	5. Chapter 5

Raiden realized he was in the wilderness with only his wolf hound. "Ah. You are awake. Executing coffee." The wolf hound pulled a coffee machine out of its container and started to create coffee. "ROSE. ROSE IS. ROSE IS." Raiden broke down and cried again. The wolf hound poked him with his tail, but instead of comforting, it only shocked Raiden violently and he drooled a little. "WOFY." Raiden yelled. "My name is Wolf Hound, Raiden. Or should I say, Jack. Correction. Executing humor; or should I say, Jackass." The wolf hound monotonously barked while handing Raiden the coffee. "Fuck off!" Raiden angered while crying again, thinking about Rose. "Do not worry Raiden. We can investigate Rose's betrayal after we have cleaned you up." The wolf hound replied. "...ok." Raiden didn't really argue, as he looked like complete shit. The wolf hound took out a tissue with its tail and wiped Raiden's snotty nose. The wolf hound then engaged bathtub mode and made a nice bathtub for Raiden. Raiden went in the bathtub and played with the wolf hound's rubber ducky. Suddenly Raiden began frying in the tub. "WHAT THE HELL!" Raiden screeched as his body fried. The wolf hound replied, "Executing colloquialism; sorry mah nigga, I thought you would enjoy some jets." Suddenly Raiden had a flashback of Rose..."AT LEAST HE HAD WHITE TEETH...TEETH...TEETH..." Teeth kept echoing in Raiden's head and then what wolfhound just said, "jets. Jets. Jetstream." Raiden went berserk and rocketed out of the wolfhound into space and then crashed down Jetstream Sam's door. He grabbed him by the throat. "YOU MOTHER FUCKER HOW DARE YOU FUCK ROSE YOU TACO LOVING ILLEGAL!" Raiden's eyes turned red and his inner ripper was showing. "Whoa whoa, calm down esse. I do not fuck married MILFs." Sam smiled WITH HIS WHITENED TEETH. Raiden's rage grew more and he strangled Sam even harder. His face began to derp from impact. "I...I can help jou..." Sam coughed out. "What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your bleeding teeth." Raiden cackled maniacally. Suddenly that little faggot kid George came bursting through the window. "EY RAIDEN ME SHIGA HIBA JO KOU ME! NO KILL HE SPEAKIN O SABBA!" The little sand nigger mouthed. Raiden immediately stopped ripping, had his eyes turn normal, and turn around to face George. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!" Raiden shrieked one inch from George's face. "Chillax nigga foo, your house's camera has the answer!" George finally spoke English for once. Raiden grabbed the VCR tape from George and plugged it in to Sam's VCR. The tape rolled. Rose was in the house with another man...big...buff...white...and then they were touching! And then they were FUCKING ALL OVER THE PLACE. Raiden's mouth dropped as George smiled and Sam rearranged his fucked up face. Raiden paused and zoomed in on the man's face to reveal...SENATOR ARMSTRONG! Raiden was so devastated that he threw up and began melting into the floor as tears of angsty angst angstily rolled down his face like firecrackers. The wolf hound burst through the door and provided umbrellas for everyone else. Raiden's tears got a little overboard most days, but this was a river. "WWWWWHHHHHHYYYYYYYY!" Raiden cried. Sam went up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Jou know, we can help jou out to destroy this son of a puta." Sam offered. Suddenly Raiden's eyes went red and he cackled like a cracker. "Yes...yess...YESSSSS THE RIPPER IS BACK!" Raiden stood up and looked at his team evilly. He would rip them all...then he looked at Sam. Sam smiled friendly with those white teeth. Suddenly Raiden reverted to his normal form and broke down crying again.


	6. Chapter 6

Raiden was such a pussy these days... End Journal. Sam closed his dairy milk chocolate diary, and proceeded to follow Raiden. "Esse... What is objective again?" Sam asked. "You are going to wait here and cover me." Raiden stealthily walked up to a counter. "Eh... Raiden... You know this is a civilian dentist office... There is no 'covering' to do..." Sam shrugged, sat down in the waiting room and grabbed a magazine on Sports Cars. Raiden walked into the dentist office and saw Monsoon. He had gotten his teeth brushed as usual. "Why hello there Rydian." He bricked himself in half. "Here to join the white teeth club are we?" Raiden chucked a brick into Monsoon's mouth. It broke three of his freshly brushed teeth. "YIU MOTHER FUCKER!" The dentist injected the wind man with anesthetics and he fell asleep quickly. "Mission accomplished." Raiden proudly stated to no one in particular. He looked to the right and saw a kid getting braces glued to his teeth. "Heh. Sucks for you kid." Raiden menaced. The kid gave him the finger- literally, because Raiden chopped that kid's disrespectful hand off for good. "Well, now that business is taken care of here, I need to-" an earthquake interrupted Raiden's speech to Sam. "Where is WOFY?" Raiden cried. "In the minivan." Sam said.


	7. Chapter 7

Raiden went back over to the minivan with Sam. They started driving toward Rose's apartment in New Zealand. "Yo esse, why jou put Rose and John in New Zealand?" Sam asked. "...budget cuts..." Raiden mumbled under his breath. "Initiating small talk: How is it going Sam? You look great." Wolf Hound said. Sam ignored the wolf hound and looked out the window. "Executing sadness: why master? Why did you do it? Was I not good enough?" Wolf hound said. Sam tried to ignore harder and smashed his body against the window. "Starting grief stage four: anger: You are an asshole Sam. Initializing stage one: grief: I thought we were friends Sam. You told me we were best friends, Sam." Wolf hound said. Sam finally snapped, "I'm sorry Wofy! The neighbors kept complaining that jou were humping their lawnmowers and other electronics perro..." Sam admitted. "Executing retort: that was no reason for you to remove my male drives, Sam." Wolf Hound replied. "They were going to have me evicted esse!" Sam explained. "Initializing emotional disarray: sorry, but Raiden is my master now. Right master?" Wolf hound asked Raiden, but Raiden wasn't listening because he plugged in his earphones and was blasting RULES OF NATURE. "¡AI! Look out esse!" Sam Mexicanly yelled. Raiden couldn't hear the oncoming vehicle and T-Boned right into it. A small person was flung out of the other vehicle. "Heh...shouldn't have gotten in my way..." Raiden Rippered. Sam slapped him and he returned to normal. "Oh god I hit somebody!" Raiden angsted, and he ran out of the car to see...SUNNY! "Oh shit, Sunny are you ok?" Raiden asked. "Yea...I'm fine xD" Sunny kawaiied. "What are you doing out here?" Raiden asked. "Oh you know, trying to stop Armstrong. He's captured your family somewhere, but I don't know where." Sunny smiled. Raiden slumped over and began crying again. Sunny started braiding his poofy hair. "It'll be ok Jack, you'll see :)" Sunny smiled. "Sunny...people like you make me forget about my..." Raiden was cut off by Sunny. "SELFIE!" She made a duck face and a peace sign while taking a pic with her and the cry-faced Raiden. She immediately posted it to Facebook with the caption 'Raiden is such a fucking tool o-o.' "WHAT THE FUCK!" Raiden yelled. Two seconds later Rose and Sam liked Sunny's post. "SAM!" Raiden yelled while looking at Sam holding his iPhone in his hand. "Sorry esse, it's true." Sam shrugged. "Sunny you were such a sweet little girl?!" Raiden was confused. "I'm a tween you cockbite. Now get in the broken minivan bitch, we have a senator to catch." Sunny commanded. Raiden was too overwhelmed with angst to argue, and Sam and wolf hound complied because. Sunny was driving with Sam in the passenger's seat and Raiden with wolf hound in the back. It was awkwardly silent until Sunny spoke. "Hey Sam, you and Raiden would've been a hot yaoi couple if you weren't like 50 years old." she said. "Aren't you like 11 chica?...and I'm thirty-o..." Sam was cut off by Sunny, "OLD GRANDPA. o-o." She drove like a crazy beast on the highway and nearly killed all her passengers. "These fuckers need to get out of my WAY." She road raged while flipping off people. Sam smiled his Colgate smile, wolf hound looked like a robot, and Raiden was torn between surprise at Sunny and crying over his kidnapped family.


	8. Chapter 8

Raiden arrived with the others at a base close to Armstrong's base. "Huh? Aren't we going in now?" Raiden asked. "Dx oh my family is going to die!" Sunny mimicked Raiden. "Would you fucking give it a rest you pussy :)" Sunny kawaii'd. "We are going to rest in this luxury hotel tonight first... McKay?" Sunny ended. Wolf hound looked at Sunny. "Mc..Kay? Processing... Failed. Sunny, did you mean 'Mkay?' I do not process this strange McKay." Wolf Hound questioned. "Oh, that's right! AI's like you are to inferior to understand the wonders of double word merging :3. You see, I am having McDonalds for dinner, and I am GOING TO EAT A BURGER. I also relied 'Okay.' To Raiden to get him to stop being a baby. See, easy? ^.^ Sunny cheered. Wolf hound had an error but ignored the situation. Raiden was crying again and Sam pat him on the back. "Essay... It's Kay." Sam consoled Raiden, handing Raiden a pencil and paper. "Yes, yes..." Sam cheered as Raiden did Sam's American Grene Card Test for him. "I love it when sad people do your homework!" Sam chuckled. "Let's go upstairs." Pouted Raiden, finishing. When they reached their room there was two double beds. Sam dive rolled into the bed closest to the window. "Mine! Sunny you sleep with Raiden." Sam commanded, ripping off his armor and fell asleep instantly. "EWW NO o-o" Sunny flipped off the sleeping Sam and dive rolled into the other bed. "Raiden can sleep on the ground :3." She suggested. "Heh. Think again kid." Raiden Rippered. *CHCH* Sunny cocked a pistol and pointed it at Raiden. "I said, Raiden can sleep on the GROUND. :. She super desu moded. Raiden sighed and turned around- to find Wolfhound sleeping on the couch. "Pst. WOFY. I want to sleep there." Raiden shook wolf hound tech. "ZZZZZ" Wolf hound hissed. "FUCK ALL OF YOU!" Raiden raged, slamming the door open to reveal a GIANT METAL MONSTER! It grabbed Raiden and tossed him outside. Apparently their room was actually soundproof, so they had not heard the other half of the hotel get obliterated. Raiden gasped reading the mechanical beasts tag. "No..." Raiden angsted. "YA!" Said a strangely familiar voice. IT WAS DOKTOR! "WHATS THE MEANING OF THIS DOK?!" Raiden was upset. "AHAHAHAHA. I LOVE BLOOD PORN!" Raiden was confused. Wolf hound codec called Raiden. "He is sleep walking. Don't kill him. Be careful." Then WOFY hung up. "No... It couldn't be!" Raiden watched in horror as Doktor's machine revealed itself to be THE METAL GEAR ORTHODONTIST! "No!" Raiden had a flash back. That time when he battled all those Metal Gear Rays... He remembered... THEY ALL HAD WHITE TEETH! BECAUSE OF THE ORTHODONTIST WHO BRUSHED THEIR TEETH FOR THEM. Raiden turned blood blue. "WHY DOES MY DENTAL CARE SUCK SOOO MUCH DICK!" And with that a new Raiden form was discovered, CavityMode! Raiden's sword turned into a nasty rotten tooth and he planned to spread the germs all over that Metal Gear Orthodontist! "IM GOING TO RUIN YOUR TEETH!"


	9. Chapter 9

Raiden took out his secondary weapon; plaque. He spread it all over his sword to create a nasty cavity monstrosity. "I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOUR PRECIOUS PEARLY WHITES!" Raiden Rippered to the Metal Gear Orthodontist. "YES. YESS! CHOP OFF HER LEFT HAND!" Doktor moaned in his sleep. Raiden activated Cavity mode while the Metal Gear Orthodontist activated the Cavitron. Raiden engaged in a QuickTime battle to end the nasty Orthodontist Monster. He took out his extra set of chocolates and threw them at the MGO's teeth. The teeth began to rot upon impact. Raiden finished it off with his cavity blaster lighting strike which completely destroyed all the teeth. He grabbed Doktor before the Metal Gear smashed onto the ground. He was still asleep. "Jajajaja! PERIOD BLOOD!" Doktor screamed in his sleep. Raiden was pretty cranky now that he hadn't slept. He dragged Doktor back to their hotel room and he put him on the floor. Doktor immediately fell into a normal sleep. Raiden looked around for a place to sleep and noticed that everyone was missing. He left Doktor in the room and went to investigate. He heard a loud sound coming from downstairs. It sounded like...party music?! Raiden blasted open the pool door to see Sunny, Sam, WOFY, and any hotel guests that were still alive partying like it was 1999. Raiden had a confused look on his face. Sam was drinking a beer and smoking a hookah, WOFY was getting attention from some hot babes, and Sunny was twerking like there was no tomorrow. "SUNNY!" Raiden yelled. "Ugh. The faggot is here guys. Dx" Sunny took a selfie and pushed Raiden into the pool. Raiden got out of the pool and went to WOFY. "WOFY!" Raiden yelled. "Initializing ignoring sequence." Said WOFY. Raiden angsted and went up to Sam. "SAM!" Raiden yelled. "Chillax esse, we just having a party before shit hits the fan yo." Sam grabbed Raiden and shoved the hookah nozzle in his mouth. Raiden inhaled a couple whiffs and he started to feel better. "Weeeeeeeeee..." Raiden's vision began to blur. Him and Sam huffed and puffed the hookah. "SSS.. .." Said Raiden while he poked Sam's face. "¿Sí?" Asked Sam. "You're...such a great fr...iend...you...r teeth..." Raiden started to bibble Sam's lips with his finger while Sam drooled wide eyed. " ¿qué? yo...no... sé..." Sam laughed while starting to paint Raiden's fingernails pink with Sunny's nail polish. Sunny stopped twerking to take a pic of the two stoned enemies. She uploaded it to Facebook. "Hah. Faggots. O-o" Sunny loled while dancing with WOFY. "Calculating match making. Analysis: 99% compatible." WOFY replied. "I fucking love you. Now sit. ;0" Sunny commanded while threatening WOFY with a club. He obeyed and whimpered like a robot. Suddenly Rose texted Raiden's iPhone. "JACK HELP PLZ." Raiden looked at it through stoned eyes. "Shit." He murmured before passing out.


	10. Chapter 10

Raiden had a very special dream. Samuel smoked weed in Japane. "Jajajajajajmaiijaijaijaijiaijaijaija" that supid fuck george spoke. "Jesse... I need a bottle of rum." Sam cried, smoking more. Sam had turned inti a ruffered bugof shit after ramming a giant dandy line uo rhe ass. "No thats not right..." Sam was now Wam. Wam had sex with Mistral. Mistral produced a baby, named Raiden. "THATS RIGHT. YIU AND I ARE THE SAME, PARDNER..." Samuel saw Sundownee. Sundownee was Sundowner's prodigee, or rather his brain in a child's body. "I AM SUNDOWNEE. I WILL BE THE BEST DOWNEE IN TH WORLD!" Sadly, Sundownee's wish came true and he was put into a catholic nun school for disabled children and mentally challenged. So. Everyone worked together to produce babies that exploded. Samuel came back. "I will never smoke weed. Or buy another dog." And so, now the history of why Sam wont love Wolf Hound Tech is now known.


	11. Chapter 11

Raiden woke up in a shopping cart being pushed by Sunny. "?" Raiden questioned, feeling a little hungover and baked. "Shut up bitch, we are here to buy stuff before we kill Armstrong :S" Sunny explained. They were in a Metal Gear Deluxury store. WOFY picked up Raiden with his tail and took him out of the shopping cart. "Ey, can we get some Dwarf Gecko Cereal while we're here?" Sam asked. Sunny stomped on his foot. "NO DX!" "¡AY! ¡CHIKITA!" Sam screamed. "STFU you fucking Mexican nobody understands you ;0" Sunny bitched at Sam. Sam rolled his eyes, Mexicanly of course. "Can someone please explain to me why we're here?! Rose needs me!" Raiden remembered his text from Rose from Armstrong's phone. "Assimilating answer: We are here because Great Empress Sunny commanded us to." WOFY explained. "Good boy :" Sunny patted WOFY without beating him with her club. Raiden angsted, but didn't resist very much. They walked down the aisle and noticed Sundowner, Mistral, and...Monsoon?! "DAD. SAT ASSHOLE RYDIAN SREW A BRICK IN MY SEESH." Monsoon bitched through his missing teeth to Sundowner. "WHEN I FIND THAT SON OF A GUN WHO DID THIS TO YA..." Sundowner sounded angry. Raiden had a mini heart attack and immediately put on his cardboard box. "HEY! DAD! SAS JESSREAM SAM!" Monsoon turned into a million pieces and stood in front of Sam. "WHERE'S RYDIAN YOU PESSO." Monsoon raged. "Whoa whoa nature boy, keep your cool esse." Sam laughed. Monsoon raged. "What's a matter? Brick in your mouth?" Sam smiled with his perfect pearly whites as he chucked another fresh brick right into Monsoon's mouth, and it caused Monsoon's mouth to slice in half. "I WILL GET THIS INFORMATION OUT OF YOU ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!" Monsoon bitched again. "He's under this box." Sam pointed at the completely obvious box. "SAM!" Raiden angsted. Sundowner came up to the box and shredded it apart. He picked up Raiden by the throat. "RAIDEN. YOU..." Sundowner began. Nobody really cared that Raiden was about to get assimilated, they were continuing shopping. "I have to thank you, son!" Sundowner laughed and slapped Raiden on the back. "?" Raiden was confused. "My son's a fucking nature-boy faggot! I'm glad you knocked out his teeth! He's a piece of shit!" Sundowner laughed in a country-folk way. Raiden sheepishly laughed and ran back to his crew while Monsoon's mouth gaped open in disbelief. Sunny had bought a billion bazookas, rations, and electrolytes for Raiden. They went to the cash register. It was old Solid Snake, smoking and dying. "Snake? Why are you still alive? O-o" Sunny asked. *COUGH HACK CANCER* "nano machines..." Solid Snake said, while looking like shit and checking out their items. "Debit or credit?" Solid snake asked. "Uh, I'm not paying, Raiden is :" Sunny replied while pointing a gun at wofy's head. "If you don't, I'll blow his fucking brains out xD." Sunny loled. "NO! Don't kill my WOFY! I'll pay." Sam stepped up and paid for the stuff. WOFY was actually touched. Solid snake handed Sam his receipt and instantly died at the cash register. His face grinded on that register belt thing and his face was sucked off of his skin. Nobody cared though because it was Solid Snake. They exited the store and went back in the minivan.


	12. Chapter 12

Raiden suspected something bad was going to happen, and he was correct. As soon as Raiden and Sunny got into the Van, Sam SLAMMED THE DOOR CLOSED, and sliced the handles off the Van. Sam began to explain. "Raiden... You've disappointed me." "Huh! What are you talking about?!" The faggot Raiden squealed, like a pig being executed in Tarzan's web. Sam's tone was dark. "Raiden, you've taken something dear to me, and now I will make you pay the price." Raiden was utterly fucking lost. What the fuck had he taken from Sam? If anything, it was what Raiden HAD NOT TAKEN FROM SAM! HIS FUCKING SMILE! "What do you want?!" Raiden complained. "Esse... I... I want her back." Sam started. "Who?" Raiden questioned. "MY BABY!" Sam sliced through the van, splitting the minivan in half and freeing Sunny. "I am SOOO outa here :x" Sunny ran back into the Metal Gear Deluxury store, dragging WOFY with her. "Sam, you had a kid?" Raiden offered no defense, and Sam took the advantage. He stepped forward and sliced at Raiden's hand, just barely grazing the Raiden's denture frame. "YES ESSE, AND YOU TOOK HER FROM ME!" His smile was now an angry frown, but even then his teeth still showed; and his sexy shiny white teeth made his anger seem lesser than it was. Raiden suddenly thought back to K-Mart. He remembered kicking-. "Sam... I didn't kick-" Raiden almost spoke. "YES ESSE, YOU KILLED MY SPORTS CAR!" It hadn't occurred to Raiden that Sam loved sports cars, but considering Sam was Brazilian he began thinking of a plan. "Sam, I'm sorry about your car- gekko- thing... But if there's one thing I can't be proud of, it's my past. My past is something no one can ignore. My past is my life stolen from me as a child. My past is-" Raiden continued to ramble on about how important his life was. "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BUY ME A NEW SPORTS ¡CAR!" Sam slashed again. "Hey Sam... You know you were the one who killed your car. It would have killed me if you hadn't..." Raiden realized, it wasn't Sam... Or him... It was..." Both Sam and Raiden shouted at once "WOFY!" They both ran to Armstrong's HQ. "So. You figured it out. WOFY, Sunny and I were all secretly trying to get you two to kill each other." Armstrong's prerecorded message played as they entered his building. "why!" Raiden yelled at the screen. "Esse, it's a recording, you stupid ¡hen ¿yayho." But Armstrong had apparently interpreted Raiden's reaction, for he answered. "Because... Ratings... And..." Mistral appeared out of nowhere in the recording. "Hunny, I brought you some breakfast." She held a tray of omelet. "DAMNIT WOMAN, CANT YOU SEE IM LEAVING AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE. AND BESIDES, I HATE OMELET." Mistral slammed the tray on the table, making a loud slamming noise. "YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT ABOUT WHATEVER I COOK!" Mistral nagged. "Well maybe if you didn't cook like shit and..." Armstrong stopped. "And what? COOKED LIKE SUNDOWNER?! GO ON SAY IT!" Armstrong said nothing. "WHY DONT YOU JUST EAT A FUCKING BAR OF CEREAL! Mistral raged, going off screen left. "Ahem..." Armstrong attempted to resume his dignity. "As I was saying..." A dwarf gekko flung across the screen and smashed into Armstrong's face, which turned black in response to physical contact. "EAT YOUR DAMN CEREAL BAR!" A faint echo of Mistral's rage could be heard. Armstrong ripped the screaming dwarf gekko from his black face and gently set it in front of him. Armstrong's face was still black, and because dwarf gekkos are little fucks, the gekko commented on Armstrong's appearance. Dwarf gekkos sound like Minions from Dispicable Me, those annoying little bastard yellow satanists. "N...NNN...NIGGER." It laughed in a minion way at Armstrong's black face. "YOU FUCKING MINION FUCK!" Armstrong attempted to grab the little shit, but instead face planted into the omelet Mistral had left behind. It skeeted away happily. Armstrong's face returned to normal and he glared at the recorder. "RAIDEN. SAM. FIGHT NOW OR FACE THE WRATH OF ARMSTRONG INCORPORATED!" Raiden looked straight into Sam's eyes- and Sam looked straight into Raiden's eyes- and they both burst into laughter. "ESSE. ESSE. HES A FUCKING NIGGER HOHOHOHO!" Sam Hispanically cackled. "OH MAN, DID YOU SEE THAT GEKKO TAKE A SHIT ON ARMSTRONG's FACE AT THE END? ! ahaha!" Raiden laughed Americanly. They were both too happy and in paradise of laugher to notice...


	13. Chapter 13

THAT ARMSTRONG WAS RIGHT THERE THE WHOLE TIME! He slowly walked up to Sam and Raiden and took out a cigar. He puffed out a whiff. "You know boys...I could've been a real senator..." Armstrong began. "¡AYAYAYAY!"'Sam mexicanned. "COME AND GET SOME YOU BATSHIT..." ARMSTRONG interrupted Raiden by crumpling him up into a basketball and started dribbling him around Sam, before he smashed the Raidenball right into Sam's...TEETH! "NOOOOOOO!" Sam screeched as the Raidenball BROKE HIS PRECIOUS COLGATE SMILE! Sam slumped over as gallons of blood exploded from his mouth. "¡NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO ME ENCANTA!" Sam cried at the sky as his teeth had been ruined. He pulled out a mirror and looked at himself. "¡AY, THE ONE THING THAT MADE ME SAMUEL RODRIGUES IS NO MORE!" Sam cried. Raiden also unfolded himself and stared at disbelief. Raiden looked at Sam and felt bad...then he felt kinda good...then he felt REALLY SCHADENFREUDERY! "Eyehehehe...your teeth are fucked..." Raiden Rippered as his eyes turned blood red. "And now, Armstrong, it's your turn to get a tooth pulling!" Raiden readied himself. Armstrong laughed and snapped his fingers. Instantly, Sunny, WOFY, Rose and John, Sundowner, Monsoon, Mistral, and Sam all teleported to Armstrong's side. "Wh...WHAT?!" Raiden was confused Ripperly. Sam wiped his mouth and...SMILED at Raiden?! His teeth had miraculously come back! "WHAT'S GOING ON!" Raiden demanded. Sam grabbed Raiden's left arm, Sundowner grabbed his right arm, Monsoon grabbed his left leg, and WOFY grabbed his right leg. "AG!" Raiden struggled but it was no use. "Sweety, this was all part of the plan all along!" Mistral giggled while shoving a cookie in his mouth. "It's true esse." Sam admitted. "We all knowed you be needing this, boy." Sundowner explained. "Your family being kidnapped, bricking my teeth, and getting you here was all part of the plan." Monsoon natured. "Uhm, I'm pretty sure that him bricking your teeth wasn't part of the plan o-o;;." Sunny derailed. "Sh...SHUT UP!" Monsoon bitched before Sundowner chucked another brick at his face to shut him up for good. "QUIET FAGGOT! Don't be disrespectin' no women folk, ya hear?!" Sundowner yelled at Monsoon. Rose walked up to the constrained Raiden. "Sorry you had to go through all this...and see me fucking Armstrong...but hey I did it for you to get you an appointment! He's usually REALLY expensive, but after I fucked him it was one visit free get the next one half off." Rose explained. Raiden turned red and blew up everyone around him. "WHAT IS EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT?!" Raiden screeeched. Armstrong put on his gloves and slowly walked toward Raiden. "In case you didn't notice son, I'm not just a senator/dictator...I am also an ORTHODONTIST!" Armstrong revealed while ripping his shirt off. "Honey, you need to stop doing that! I can't keep sewing your shirt back together!" Mistral complained. Armstrong slowly turned around and looked Mistral straight in the eyes. "YOU HAVE A BILLION HANDS YOU BITCH!" He screamed like a brontosaurus. Mistral immediately shied away. "Being married to you and Sundowner is just hard!" Mistral complained. "Are you a Mormon esse?" Sam asked. "WELL DUH, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I RUN AROUND IN A SUIT AND TIE?!" Armstrong SCREEEECHED. Raiden intercepted, "WAIT WHAT YOU'RE AN ORTHODONTIST?!" "Initializing correction: he has always been an orthodontist. We have all been helping you get an appointment this whole time. Everything has been staged." WOFY explained. "What?! So you and Sam are actually friends?!" Raiden asked. "Correction: most of everything was staged. Sam is still a bastard who dislodged my male receptors." WOFY corrected. "ENOUGH TALK. IT'S TIME FOR ACTION!" Armstrong used his yellow glowing dash attack to grab Raiden. "TIME TO REMOVE THOSE FUCKED UP DENTURES. JESUS CHRIST WHO EVEN GAVE THESE TO YOU?!" Armstrong nagged. "G...g...get off me!" Raiden cried. Suddenly Boris, Kevin, Courtney, and Doktor arrived in a Metal Gear Orthodontist machine. "GET AWAY FROM MAH NIGGA!" Kevin screamed through the speaker. "HE IZ TRYING TO REMOVE ZOSE DENTURES I TRIED SO HARD TO GET FOR RAIDEN!" Doktor yelled through the speaker. Armstrong put Raiden down gently and took off his tie. It turned into an RPG launcher because of how badass Armstrong is. "YOU FUCKS. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TEETH." Armstrong blasted his RPG-tie right at the Metal Gear Orthodontist and it blew up, but everyone fell out of it because. Raiden was bested on the ground. Rose walked up to him. "Rose..you...fucked the senator...for me?" Raiden angsted. "Yes...yes I did Jack. And uh...ever since you became a cyborg...you haven't been able to satisfy my urges since you know...they chopped that off..." Rose said while touching his face. Raiden's face went from gentle to angry, "Wait, WHAT?!" Raiden yelled. "SAM!" Rose yelled. Sam instantly pasted an anesthetic mouth mask over Raiden and pumped up the gas far beyond normal parameters. Rose immediately stopped being an angsty wifey. "God, those assholes from MAVERICK almost ruined us!" Rose complained as Raiden began twitching and seizuring in his forced sleep. Armstrong returned to normal. "Not to worry guys, I can finally perform surgery on Raiden and give him the teeth he deserves!" Armstrong smiled. He took out an un-sterilized pair of pliers. "Aren't you gonna sterilize that?" Rose asked. Everyone burst into laughter. "Ah Rose, you're fucking hilarious." Armstrong wiped a tear from his face and continued using nasty infected tools on Raiden. It took seconds, minutes, hours, until finally Armstrong was done. Raiden woke up surrounded by his family and enemies. Sundowner was grilling for everyone, including the MAVERICK team, while they waited. Raiden looked confused, but then Rose handed him a mirror. Raiden looked at himself in disbelief. "Could it be...?" Raiden was staring at a pair of SHINY PEARLY WHITES. He...he smiled for the first time ever! Sam walked up to Raiden and handed him a burger with a smile, "Welcome to the Colgate Club esse." Raiden couldn't believe it. It was really happening! Raiden took a big meaty bite out of the burger...and felt something happening to his teeth. The white shine melted away to reveal NASTY YELLOW HUMAN TEETH. Everyone burst into laughter. Raiden stared angrily. "WHAT THE FUCK ..." Armstrong patted Raiden on the back. "Son, I gave ya REAL teeth, now ya can brush them every day, and one day they'll be as white as Sam's!" He pointed at smiling Sam. Raiden couldn't take it anymore. He wasn't mad, he was just broken. He collapsed and cried. Sam, WOFY, and Sunny walked up to him. "Esse, you still owe me a sports car yo." Sam crossed his arms while the three of them took out their clubs. Raiden ignored them, put his fist in the air, and screeched, "CURSE YOU METAL GEAR ORTHODONTIST APPOINTMENT!" before getting clubbed like a babby seal. Everyone giggled in an anime way as this happened. "Heh, just wait for Rising Revengeance 2 esse." Sam smiled. Raiden chucked a brick at Brazilanese Sam's teeth and that was the end of that.


End file.
